Sunday, April 4, 2010

15 funny Woody Allen quotes

Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American screenwriter, film director, actor, comedian, writer, musician, and playwright.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' — probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I am at two with nature.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Bonus link
20 more great Woody Allen quotes — in comic book form!

Previously on Lists Galore!
10 best John Hodgman quotes
15 funny quotes about sex

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